My Life is an Open Book? Really?

I was at a business networking event this evening. The event was for Biznik and hosted by a very good friend of mine.  After the event ended I got a brief chance to talk to my friend and as we talked I told him that I have started blogging. He asked me for the link to my blog…”unless it was private”. I told him it was a public blog as I pretty much had nothing to hide. He laughed and said, “Yeah, you are like me. Your life is an open book for all to see.” I laughed and said my goodbyes but those words seemed to haunt me as I walked to my car and drove home.

He saw my life as an open book? I was truly flattered that he could look at me and see a person who was completely open, honest and real. The truth is I don’t see myself that way at all. I feel like there are so many ways I struggle to not hide within myself. I can be totally honest and tell you that for all I do “teach or share” with people, there is a very private part of my life that I don’t share with anyone except perhaps my spouse. 

I have another friend who says I “get a look.” She calls it my “secret look”.  She says I get this smile and this look in my eye that makes me look like I know a huge secret and am taking pleasure in keeping it from everyone else. What is the big secret?  Well I feel like my big secret is that I am a very secretive person in truth. I don’t share those deep dark mysteries of my soul with anyone and I can count only two people in my lifetime outside of my spouse that I have ever shared that part of myself with.

One of those people I shared willingly with and was devastatingly betrayed for the effort. The other was not intentional sharing. Have you ever met someone that you simply can’t hide from? A person you know really sees who you are at a soul level? I have and that person scared the crap out of me and they still do. They have never abused that power and I rely on them for guidance when I need it but to know that no matter what you do, no matter what you say they can see to the heart of you right through any layers of disguise is both frightening and exhilarating.

So his words bring to mind the feeling of truly being an open book to someone else and the potential devastation that can come or the absolute freedom it can bring. Do I really want to be an open book? Well, to some extent I guess I do but in my heart of hearts I cringe in fear. What if people can really see me and think that I am nothing but a fraud? Nothing but a shadow of what they thought I was? Am I really who I present myself to be or is that just another disguise allowing me to hide from my true self?

Amazing really how quickly a random comment can send me whirling into a philosophical debate with myself.