Creative expression through the written word

Posts tagged ‘fear’

Double dipping

Double Dipping…. I am not talking about double dipping your veggies or chips in dip. Although I am sure I could make a post on that too. No today I am using the reference of double dipping in regards to the fact that for the next 90 days I have agreed to take part in the Team Heart 90 Day Live Facebook challenge and I blog. A lot of what I am doing in the 90 day Live video challenge is stuff I could just as easily write and post to my blog. 

I guess I decided to save myself some time and share across platforms as I can and maybe not have to create double the content. Cheating? Um….probably but that’s okay it won’t be word for word, just maybe theme for theme. 

So today in my live video I talked about taking action even when afraid. Now I am no expert on doing something despite my fear. I can honestly admit that yes, I have allowed fear to hold me back. I have allowed fear to make my decisions sometimes. It sucks. What’s worse is that no matter what I have told others I know the real reason I didn’t move forward, chase a dream, or take action. Living with my self after that is way worse than if I had just faced me fears head on and taken action. 

Fear can be debilitating. Paralyzingly so. You can literally have a whole body physical reaction to fear. I’m learning to not let fear stop me. I’m learning to take action despite the risk, real or imagined. I’m learning to stop the conversations in my head about doubt and unworthiness and I am learning to quit making excuses so I can stay in fear. I mean, who wants to live there anyway?

Everything I want, everything I dream about is literally on the other side of fear. I have to want those things more than I want fear in control. Believe me it’s a work in progress but at least I am consciously working on it. I’m choosing every day to take at least one step beyond my fear. 

Am I a raging success? Well, no but I can be as long as I don’t give up. As long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other. My point to all this? You can do it too. Just push yourself through the rapidly beating heart, sweaty palms, barely breathing moment and do it. You’ll live – I promise! 

 

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Never worry until your heart stops beating

me-worryI read this quote today….”Worry is the misuse of imagination” – Dan Zadra

The more I have thought about it today, the more I have decided that I love that quote. Being a writer I have a very vivid imagination. I use it all the time to create storylines, characters, problems, resolutions, other  worlds, etcetera. I dream about stories, I daydream about stories. This is a good thing right? Well, yes it is, but I also have spent years holed up in my imagination afraid to step into the light. I’ve allowed my imagination to create a world where no one wants to read what I write, where people sit in judgment on the thoughts I express and where criticism is the worst thing that could happen to me. Its just as vivid a world to me as the ones my characters live in. That voice of darkness whispers through my mind just like the voices of the characters that I write. I have spent so much time wrapped up in that imaginary world that I didn’t even realize it was imaginary. I know…How sad is that?!

However, what I love about that quote is that worry is simply the misuse of the imagination. That means I can start at any moment to use it correctly. It’s a choice. I can choose to let my imagination “run away with me” or I can choose to “run away with my imagination”. There is a vast difference between the two and as I am willing to look at where my imagination has taken me along for a ride of fear and doubt, it creates the opportunity for me to take back the driver’s wheel and direct my imagination where I want it to go. Sounds productive…sounds healthy…now, if only it were that simple.

My Life is an Open Book? Really?

I was at a business networking event this evening. The event was for Biznik and hosted by a very good friend of mine.  After the event ended I got a brief chance to talk to my friend and as we talked I told him that I have started blogging. He asked me for the link to my blog…”unless it was private”. I told him it was a public blog as I pretty much had nothing to hide. He laughed and said, “Yeah, you are like me. Your life is an open book for all to see.” I laughed and said my goodbyes but those words seemed to haunt me as I walked to my car and drove home.

He saw my life as an open book? I was truly flattered that he could look at me and see a person who was completely open, honest and real. The truth is I don’t see myself that way at all. I feel like there are so many ways I struggle to not hide within myself. I can be totally honest and tell you that for all I do “teach or share” with people, there is a very private part of my life that I don’t share with anyone except perhaps my spouse. 

I have another friend who says I “get a look.” She calls it my “secret look”.  She says I get this smile and this look in my eye that makes me look like I know a huge secret and am taking pleasure in keeping it from everyone else. What is the big secret?  Well I feel like my big secret is that I am a very secretive person in truth. I don’t share those deep dark mysteries of my soul with anyone and I can count only two people in my lifetime outside of my spouse that I have ever shared that part of myself with.

One of those people I shared willingly with and was devastatingly betrayed for the effort. The other was not intentional sharing. Have you ever met someone that you simply can’t hide from? A person you know really sees who you are at a soul level? I have and that person scared the crap out of me and they still do. They have never abused that power and I rely on them for guidance when I need it but to know that no matter what you do, no matter what you say they can see to the heart of you right through any layers of disguise is both frightening and exhilarating.

So his words bring to mind the feeling of truly being an open book to someone else and the potential devastation that can come or the absolute freedom it can bring. Do I really want to be an open book? Well, to some extent I guess I do but in my heart of hearts I cringe in fear. What if people can really see me and think that I am nothing but a fraud? Nothing but a shadow of what they thought I was? Am I really who I present myself to be or is that just another disguise allowing me to hide from my true self?

Amazing really how quickly a random comment can send me whirling into a philosophical debate with myself.

Its all about acceptance.

Have you ever hit a wall…emotionally and the next thing you know you are wildly swinging on an emotional pendulum? Most likely the thing that has brought you into emotional turmoil is really the proverbial “straw that broke the camels back”. It seems like nothing from an intellectual point of view but your emotions are screaming that you just need to give in to the emotional chaos suddenly pouring through you.

Well today, a few moments ago…that is me, my experience and now here I sit writing this blog to try and get over the rapidly tumbling emotions so my poor husband doesn’t have to go to bed with a crying, nuerotic mess. Not that I would ever use those words to describe me 99.5% of the time. For the most part I’m pretty grounded.

I don’t feel like I’m crazy but to have lost it over such an insignificant thing (which I won’t go into) is more embarrasing than anything else. But a realization that maybe a particular thing about myself might not ever change regardless of how hard I try hit me so hard tonight that I can’t keep the tears away. Its something I’ve always said I wanted changed about myself but in the face of the truth of it I find myself not sure I am strong enough emotionally for the journey of change.  

Four days ago I heard someone speak about the fact that people need to accept the truth of who we really are or where we are in life before we can really accomplish change. You have to be okay with where you are, who you are without judgement or excuses of any kind in order to become something else. Well this is a big moment of seeing the truth and not being sure that I can accept myself without judgement.

Why is it so hard to not judge, not to make excuses for why I am in the situation? No one created this but me. So if I created it why can’t I un-create it? Why does the thought of that scare me? Why does the thought of not being able to change this one thing about myself scare me too? And God help, where do I go from here?

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