Have you ever hit a wall…emotionally and the next thing you know you are wildly swinging on an emotional pendulum? Most likely the thing that has brought you into emotional turmoil is really the proverbial “straw that broke the camels back”. It seems like nothing from an intellectual point of view but your emotions are screaming that you just need to give in to the emotional chaos suddenly pouring through you.
Well today, a few moments ago…that is me, my experience and now here I sit writing this blog to try and get over the rapidly tumbling emotions so my poor husband doesn’t have to go to bed with a crying, nuerotic mess. Not that I would ever use those words to describe me 99.5% of the time. For the most part I’m pretty grounded.
I don’t feel like I’m crazy but to have lost it over such an insignificant thing (which I won’t go into) is more embarrasing than anything else. But a realization that maybe a particular thing about myself might not ever change regardless of how hard I try hit me so hard tonight that I can’t keep the tears away. Its something I’ve always said I wanted changed about myself but in the face of the truth of it I find myself not sure I am strong enough emotionally for the journey of change.
Four days ago I heard someone speak about the fact that people need to accept the truth of who we really are or where we are in life before we can really accomplish change. You have to be okay with where you are, who you are without judgement or excuses of any kind in order to become something else. Well this is a big moment of seeing the truth and not being sure that I can accept myself without judgement.
Why is it so hard to not judge, not to make excuses for why I am in the situation? No one created this but me. So if I created it why can’t I un-create it? Why does the thought of that scare me? Why does the thought of not being able to change this one thing about myself scare me too? And God help, where do I go from here?