Memory is a tricky thing. That is something I am learning as I deal with my mother’s Alzheimer’s. We just take for granted that we are going to remember something and we often feel silly when we do forget things. If you ae anything like me you may find yourself thinking, “shoot I can’t remember that person’s name or where did I leave that?”
I’ve often thought about taking one of those courses that allow you increase your memory and of course I’m all for things like Ginko Biloba. However, the truth is that our memories are not a guaranteed thing. So my question of the day is what time do I not want to forget?
Well, there are moments that happen all the time where I think to myself, “I don’t want to forget this.” I realize that I may not remember everything and in truth I forget more than I would like to admit but I find myself storing up memories of my mom. More to be precise, memories of her hugging me and talking to me, telling my she loves me because I know the day is coming when she won’t even recognize who I am and I want to remember how it feels to bask in her love. Its a conscious decision to store a moment away as a memory.
Do I know if it works? Well, I don’t know nor will I until the time comes I need to pull on those memories but I have faith that when we determine to remember something we can.
It must be something in the air but I find myself going down memory lane this week. A few days back I wrote a blog about a long lost friend because she was so on my mind it seemed the only way to chase away the memories. Three days ago a good friend randomly called me up and asked to meet me after work for a drink so we could catch up. It had been a few weeks and I was completely amazed at the drama she unfolded as we drank sugar-free redbull, vodka and cranberries.
Yesterday on my hour drive home from work it was partially sunny and I had Sirius’ Hair Nation channel playing. Motley Crue came on and suddenly I was remembering my old boyfriend from high school. (Matt) Hearing that music brought back so many memories of times we hung out together, places we went and things we did. In case you didn’t put two and two together he was a HUGE Motley Crue fan. Today I emailed him through Facebook and told him how grateful I was for all those memories and how glad I was that we are still friends.
Then on MySpace a few minutes ago I touched base with another friend from high school and realized how long its been since we got together to laugh over the stories of our past. We do have a few crazy stories that only we appreciate like county wide scavenger hunts, sneakin in to bars when we were 16, the night of the “Hubbard” and so many more.
Then there is the whole entire entourage of friends from my time in Denver. What a crazy group of people I have attracted into my life. We used to joke around that we were so crazy that only we would love each other. I miss those firends more than I ever thought I would when I moved back home. Thank God for the advancement of technology and all the online social media ways to keep in touch. I feel like I am connected to all of my firends even if I don’t get to be at the wild parties and fun nights anymore.
Last night I got a phone call on my cell phone from someone very special to me. I didn’t recognize the number and was dissapointed that I hadn’t answered it when I heard the voice mail message and discovered it was “Grammie Meg”, the woman I consider my spitirual guru. Again, hearing her voice after almost a year of not being in touch was like a blast from the past and warmed my heart. What I’ve come to realize is that even though I miss the friends of my past and don’t get to see them or spend a lot of time with them the fact is that I am truly blessed to have so many wonderful, amazing and truly dear friends in my life.
She’s on my mind today. The one who I shared the depths of my soul with. Her, the one that I thought would be there forever. The one who was most beloved and now on a good day would be considered a friend. Most of the time she is more of an aquaintance and on the worst of days she is naught but a stranger. We are thousands of miles away from each other and yet there are days, like today, that I feel as if she is right here beside me and no matter the distance between us the memories of closeness wrap around me like a second skin. Memories of golden skin that turns to warm caramel in the heat of the sun, rich brown hair with golden streaks that curl to her shoulder. I can see her engaging smile that enticed people to feel comfortable and at ease with her. I can hear her laughter and see those beautiful eyes light with her mirth. Sheis tall and svelte, curvy in all the places that made men drawn to her like bees to honey. She, the one who I opened up the most private core of my soul to and found that she saw the real me, the truth of who I am as a person and called me friend anyway. Her,that I put on a pedestal and believed that she would never hurt me or betray our friendship. She that I absolute faith in. I feel her presence with me today as surely as if she was standing here in front of me. I miss her, my one time best friend, my soul sister and confidante. Unforeseen circumstances eroded our friendship from the very foundation. I found myself staring into the eyes of a stranger. A stranger that I used to know so well. I fought for purchase on the crumbling grounds of what I believed to be real only to discover that it was all an illusion. She was not who I thought her to be and she believed things of me that could not believed if she had really seen me and understood the core of who I was…she had deceived me and now six years later I still miss her. I still wait in the hopes that some day I will look upon the face that I loved so deeply and see the light of recognition again in those eyes. Someday I will reconnect with her, my beloved friend, and know peace of heart and mind and soul again. She is on my mind today.