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Posts tagged ‘emotional’

Great Expectations

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I know that everyone has good days and bad days. My personal belief is that we determine the outcome of our days by how we choose to let things affect us. Logically I know this, emotionally I feel like I’m not in control of the things that have a tendency to send me spiraling into a bad day, spiritually I know I have the power to connect to source and choose a different response but do I? Unfortunately, not often enough.

I have also come to realize that a lot of the times when I am having my worst days, it is because I have set expectations for how I think things “should be” and inevitably I am disappointed because I’m expecting more from people than they are possibly capable of giving in the moment. It certainly doesn’t help matters if I haven’t been communicating those expectations….so how do I expect people to meet them? Of course there are those times when I have communicated them and they choose to not meet my expectations. (That is a whole other discussion).

I’ve had a run of a couple of weeks now where a certain aspect of my life is causing me a lot of “bad days”. I am intimately aware of the fact that I am responding from an emotional place. I know I can choose a different path, make different choices but in the heat of the moment it isn’t quite so simple or easy to do. So….what have I been doing to fix things? Well, I am an organizer by nature so my go-to action was to sit down and create a life plan.

If there are things in my life that I don’t like and I am not in control of other people’s actions….the only thing I can do is change myself. Right? Right! So I sat down and wrote out all the things I don’t like and want changed. Then I wrote out what I did want. Next step? Figure out what actions needed to take place to get from one side of the paper to the other side of the paper.

So this is where I find myself…lost somewhere in the middle….taking small steps to cross the great divide and praying that along the way I don’t have to find anywhere to hide the bodies…..

Its all about acceptance.

Have you ever hit a wall…emotionally and the next thing you know you are wildly swinging on an emotional pendulum? Most likely the thing that has brought you into emotional turmoil is really the proverbial “straw that broke the camels back”. It seems like nothing from an intellectual point of view but your emotions are screaming that you just need to give in to the emotional chaos suddenly pouring through you.

Well today, a few moments ago…that is me, my experience and now here I sit writing this blog to try and get over the rapidly tumbling emotions so my poor husband doesn’t have to go to bed with a crying, nuerotic mess. Not that I would ever use those words to describe me 99.5% of the time. For the most part I’m pretty grounded.

I don’t feel like I’m crazy but to have lost it over such an insignificant thing (which I won’t go into) is more embarrasing than anything else. But a realization that maybe a particular thing about myself might not ever change regardless of how hard I try hit me so hard tonight that I can’t keep the tears away. Its something I’ve always said I wanted changed about myself but in the face of the truth of it I find myself not sure I am strong enough emotionally for the journey of change.  

Four days ago I heard someone speak about the fact that people need to accept the truth of who we really are or where we are in life before we can really accomplish change. You have to be okay with where you are, who you are without judgement or excuses of any kind in order to become something else. Well this is a big moment of seeing the truth and not being sure that I can accept myself without judgement.

Why is it so hard to not judge, not to make excuses for why I am in the situation? No one created this but me. So if I created it why can’t I un-create it? Why does the thought of that scare me? Why does the thought of not being able to change this one thing about myself scare me too? And God help, where do I go from here?

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