So today I learned how to do a watercolor pour. I am so excited about this art form that I can’t even begin to express it. From the first moment I saw a completed piece I fell headlong in love with it. My new goal is to become a watercolor pour artist. Never mind that I have never considered myself a truly artistic person. This whole process is about playing and looking for the artistic expression that is revealed in the pour. I can’t wait to go buy a bunch of watercolor paint, watercolor paper and just get started playing. My friend taught me the method tonight and I already have 2 pieces half way finished. I think I have discovered my next big passion. (Scrap-booking being first…so far.) I have the sneaking suspicion that watercolor pouring and creating mosaics (the next thing I want to learn) will probably be my two biggest loves. Although I have discovered I am interested in painting gourds too. I don’t really know where all the creativity is coming from but once the floodgates were opened it has all come rushing out of me and I can barely contain it.

So if you read my last blog you would know that my landlord is the craziest woman ever. We have been looking for a new place to rent so that we can get off this “crazy train” ride we have been on with her. In the process of looking through home rental ads and property management company postings we saw our house listed. Available for rent September 1, 2009 for $100 more per month than what we are currently paying.

We aren’t even out of the house. We talked to her 3 days ago and told her that we were going to begin looking and most likely be out for sure by the end of the year at the lastest and October 1st at the earliest. Where the hell does September 1st come into that time line I ask you?  Not only that – we came home today and found a for rent sign in the driveway. Never mind that she called us an hour before and wanted to make sure that we were still going to be depositing the September rent in her bank account on the 1st – as if we didn’t know she is trying to get it rented out from under us by then!

She drives me freaking nuts! We are trying to find something that fits our family and business needs as we both work from home that is also within our price range. Not always an easy task but certainly not easy in 10 days. So, despite what she thinks she is getting from us – we will continue to look at our options, pack and plan to move ASAP but that woman has got to get ot of our lives. P.S. – between you and me, if she thinks I am paying her September’s rent when she is doing all these absurd things behind our backs she is high as a kite. Never! No way!

Have you ever met someone that seems to be really nice and then as you get to know them better over time you discover that they are freaking CRAZY? The bounce from normal to nuts in 2.5 seconds and you get caught on some kind of weird ride on their personal emotional roller coaster. Well, I have such a person in my life. That alone makes my life, well crazy sometimes, but to make matters worse it happens to be my landlord. Yep, you head me correct…my landlord.

We’ve lived in our house for two, count them, two years and over that time we have been subjected to the craziness of her ups and downs repeatedly. We have discovered a pattern to this ride we are on with her. Literally every three to four months we get a phone call or an email telling us that she is “evicting us in under two weeks”. First, who the hell asks someone to move in two weeks without prior notice? Second, it is always for some reason entirely based on her emotions, like “I just don’t feel the house is right for you”. We always talk to her and the next thing we know we get told “how grateful she is that we are her renters and that she wants us to stay forever.”

I can tellyou, we have been through her almost losing the house for defaulting on her home loan (2 months after we moved in by the way) to her deciding to sell it (twice now). We have done multiple improvements to the house and keep communication clear, open and honest with her. At first I used to get rocked emotionally by her strange behavior. Getting angry, crying, feeling depressed and overwhelmed at the thought of having to try and move at the last minute.

I had gotten to the point where I just expected the freak out to come and as on target we got the expected email three days ago telling us to be out of the house by August 31st. (thats 11 days people!) So, this time I told my husband that no matter how much I loved this house, no matter how much I loved the view that I was done riding on the crazy train with our landlord. I want to move.

Now, I don’t really want to move. I hate the packing, cleaning, searching, negotiating and draw on our finances that come with moving. However, I hate this emotional crazy roller coaster that our landlord thows us on every few months more. So, the search for a new place is on and all the chaos that comes with it. I’m putting it out there to the universe that I’d like a place like the one I am in or better with a landlord we love.

Wow! I can’t believe how long it has been since I posted anything to this blog.  I had every intention of writing in this blog daily but…life ran away with my good intentions. So, here I sit in my living room renewing my intention to write this blog. I don’t really know much about blogs but I guess that isn’t really the point. The point, for me, is to have a place to write the Monologue Musings of my mind. This is the place to rant, to rave, to share my joys and my happiness. This is the place to present pieces of my writing and hopefully not get too much censure for my efforts.

So lets create a baseline on my life to build from…I am 40 years old, married to a wonderful man for the last (soon to be) 19 years and a mother to four children, three of them my sons and one step-daughter that has become a good friend.  Our step-daughter is twenty one, married and has a darling little boy making us a Nona & Papa (grandparents).  Our oldest son just graduated, our middle son is close on his heels and our youngest starts high school this year.

I own two companies and crazy fool that I am, I am working on a third and possibly a fourth. My finances are all a jumble and I need to find a new place to live, sooner rather than later. I’m looking for a part time job because I couldn’t possibly be happy not using every minute of the day, as if! I have a million things to do and seem to have no time to do them. So many times I find myself wishing I was doing somthing other than what I am doing at the moment, like writing on a story instead of watching a movie or painting instead of doing dishes. Lately I find that my creative side is wanting to take over so who knows where that will take me.

Okay, enough for one night.

I receive this from Brian Johnson, Philosopher, and I love the imagery. It reminds me that no matter what is going on in the world…it is the inner world that I should focus on to create real and lasting change in my personal universe.

“In every forest, on every farm, in every orchard on earth, it’s what’s under the ground that creates what’s above the ground. That’s why placing your attention on the fruits that you have already grown is futile. You cannot change the fruits that are already hanging on the tree. You can, however, change tomorrow’s fruits. But to do so, you will have to dig below the ground and strengthen the roots.” ~ T. Harv Eker from Secrets of the Millionaire Mind

Currently watching Pineapple Express….and the foremost question is…why?

Anyone else feeling like they have too many social networks and not enough time to manage them all? Check out Ping.fm! Loving it!

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve posted a blog. My life has been chaotic and whipping out of control since my last post. It’s probably not just coincidence that I haven’t blogged and feel so disconnected. I’ve been working on pulling myself out of the doldrums and getting my focus back. I have almost four weeks to get my life organized again and develop a plan of action to move forward with. January 1, 2009 I intend to start the year with a clear head, clear heart and focused spiritual direction. I guess this is where I can start…telling it like it is so I can release and let go and move forward toward a positive direction in my life.

Well tonight was interesting to say the least. I arrived home and went into my room to change out of my work clothes. Its a habit that allows me a few minutes alone before the family descends on me with needs.

Tonight when I got home my husband was in our room waiting to talk with me. That in and of itself is not an unusual occurance. What he had to tell me was. Our daughter had called earlier, before I got home. She has been making plans to relocate to Washington from Minnesota with her boyfriend. They have been talking about jobs, travel costs, apartments….you know, all the usual things you have to plan for.

This time when she called she wanted to discuss advancing their plans to sooner rather than later. She wanted to come at the end of October instead of the end of December. So…only a month and a half instead of three and a half to prepare for them to arrive. Well it can be done. Not easily but with planning it can be done.

Okay so that conversation was easy and we discussed what we needed to do to move plans up a bit on the timeline but it was my husband’s next words that threw me for a loop. He said, and I quote, “She’s engaged and five weeks pregnant. ” Okay…engaged is big enough news but Pregnant? That is HUGE! Sometime in late April we, my husband and I, are going to be a Nona and a Papa. Our very first grandchild (at the age of forty).

We are excited, we are worried, we are happy for them, we are terrified for them. A new phase of their lives and a new phase of life for our sons who will be uncles, a new phase of life for us. Where did all the time go? I was just geting excited about the kids almost being done with school so we could be empty nesters…guess that isn’t going to happen now. Our kids might leave home but know we will have grandchildren to fill the use with laughter and childish joys.

Well….here’s to a new adventure. Hold onto your seat we are in for a ride and I’m sure there will be lots of blogs about them living wih us and the journey of becoming new grandparents.

According to Wikipedia a vision quest can be defined as a turning point in life taken before puberty to find oneself and the intended spiritual and life direction. In many Inuit and other Native American groups, when an older child is ready, they will go on a personal, spiritual quest alone in the wilderness. This usually lasts for a number of days while the child is tuned into the spirit world. Usually, a Guardian animal will come in a vision or dream, and the child’s life direction will appear at some point. Once the child has experienced this they will return to the tribe and pursue that direction in life. The vision quest can be a part of  shamanism, more exactly, the learning and initiation process of an apprentice for achieving the ability for shamanizing, mostly under the guidance of an older shaman. Taking both of those definitions into account I’d like to share a spirit quest I had the privilege to experience recently.

My parents bought a Native American music and chanting cd recently. It is said that the Chieftan, who recently passed away, who created the cd with the music artist was one of the last remaining that actually understood the power of chanting and how to harness it for connection into the spirit world. My father, a very spiritually connected man who I believe he is a Shaman in his own right listened to the cd and informed me that I needed to listen to the cd without interruption, without spouse or children around and I needed to listen in a state of meditation. What he told my mother that they did not tell me until later was that he knew something important would happen…to me…for me…when I listened to it. He said, “My daughter will hear this and be able to reclaim a part of her that was missing. It’s very important!”

When I was told over the phone by my parents that I needed to listen to the cd. Tears immediately sprang to my eyes and I felt the deepest desire to simply let go and cry. I had a hard time catching my breath and instinctively knewit would impact me greatly. A kind of nervous anticipation held me captive for the rest of the afternoon but it was uncertaintity that I would want to hear the cd that kept me putting it off until late evening. It was 8:30 before I finally headed to my parents house. Making sure that I was grounded and centered I sat in their living room, just me and my mom, lights off, the only sound in the room the cd and within moments was whisked away on a spirit journey, a vision quest of my own.

As the music began, the sound of the wind blowing, a Native American flute and faint almost imperceptible chanting filled the room. In my minds eye a journey began so deceptively simply I didn’t even realize it had started. I saw an eagle soaring through the brilliant morning sky, wings spread wide to embrace the current he graced with such magnificence. He dipped, soared and dove calling to me and each cry felt as if it came from the depth of my soul. He dove through the sky and crossed a treeline in the wilderness that drew my gaze to the forest.

As if my eyes were telescopes I honed in on a mountain lion loping along with sleek grace and quiet intensity. I watched as the mountain lion crossed miles of forest floor, bounding effortlessly over fallen logs and through thick undergrowth. I watched the mountian lion until he crossed paths with a small turtle. My focus was immediately diverted to the turtle and I watched it grow in size until it was as big as a large sea turtle. Suddenly the sea turtle stood on it’s hind legs and became a Native American man wearing a sea turtle shell as clothing. His eyes were black as night and he had green paint on his face. He was frightening to look at and spoke not a word but offered me a turtle shell filled with a milky white substance. I understood I was to drink it so I did and the man disappeared.

I looked around me and realized that the drink had to have been some kind of hallucinogen. As I walked through the forest I could see the life in all things. Every leaf, every flower, every blade of grass gave off a pulsing glow of life. I could literally see the trees breathing and I felt completely connected, one with all things. I seemed to drift through the forest absorbing the knowledge that I am part of the whole and that life is in all things. I came to the edge of the forest and as the trees fell away I saw the Pyramid of the Sun. Nothing was left of the people or the lives that were lived in that once vital community but I knew where I was. It was a sacred place, the place I had come to seek…something.

As I climbed each step, 365 steps in all, I had to say a prayer. I could not progress to the next step until my prayer was complete. I never heard what I was praying but I feel as if it was a chant of some kind, a plea for the divine mother to listen to my call when I reached the peak of the pyramid. At the top I climbed upon the alter and sat upon my knees bowing to the sun, praying earnestly for the source of all creation to hear me, to assist me and to guide me in the direction I was to go. I knew in my heart that I was seeking the same enlightment and wisdom that had been sought through the ages. I spent all day there praying and crying to the heavens. As I turned to leave and began desecending the steps each step I took brought the darkness of night closer.

At the base of the pyramid I meandered through the quiet remains of the once great city and found myself facing a river. I could see the moonlight rippling across the surface of the river and I dropped to my knees on the riverbank and stared into the swift but quiet river. A lok in the water reflected back the image and shape of a human body but there was no reflection, no face to see. It was blurred and unclear. I disturbed the water where the face was supposed to be in the hopes that the waer would clear but instead the image began to fade away altogether and in frustration I threw myself back against the shore and wept myself to sleep there in darkness.

As dawn broke over the river I awoke and discovered a tattoo had appeared on my arm. It was the sleek and dangerous black panther. The sight of that permanent mark on my skin was frightening at first for how did it get there? But as I gazed at it I felt a sense of rightness steal over me and joy began to unfold within my heart. I rose and headed back to the village. I had let my Chieftan down for I had not found what I sought but I did come away with something.

As I approached an empty field and the sun shone down I felt the desire to dance take ahold of me. I began to spin in circles and those circles were performed within one large circle around the meadow. I danced for joy, I danced with gratitude, I danced for the sun God and Mother Earth. When I could dance no longer I continued on my hourney to the village and came upon it soon enough. I walked through the village and no one looked upon me. I approached the teepee of the Chieftan and as if he knew I was coming to see him he stepped out to greet me. He said not a word but stared into my eyes, stared into my soul and I knew he saw what I had feared. I had gained nothing. I knew nothing. I had let him down…my vision quest had not been fruitful.

He led me to the sweat lodge and I laid down upon the grass mat that was prepared for me. I stared up through the smoke hole of the teepee and was aware that three people were with me. The Chieftan, Mantou my spirit guide, and Sari my guardian angel. They are with me on every spiritual journey and they were here with me. I knew that I was being put through a ritual to unlock something….to somehow set something within myself free. They chanted, the prayed, the saged me with feathers and cleaned my energy. It went on forever….and suddenly I was standing in front of the Chieftan instead of lying down. He stared into my eyes and then with one great breath he blew on the center of my forehead, just above and centered between my eyes…the place of the third eye where we “see” spiritually. As his breath hit my third eye it was as if a huricane blew throught my entire being. I felt myself falling back into nothingness.

When I came to I was standing at the edge of a forest, My father stood at the edge of a cliff in front of me, back to me, playing a Native American flute. He played to each of the four directions, North, South, East and West. He played to the Source of all and as I listened to the haunting melody I knew that he was praying for me.  Suddenly Sari appeared between us and she began to dance to his melody. It took me a moment to realize that she was transforming into a Phoenix. As a glorious Phoenix she soared into the sky, dipping, swooping and somersaulting in delight. She called to me….”Just like the legend of the Phoenix…out of the ashes comes life and it is a glorious thing. You can find freedom in flight…find freedom as the Phoenix.”

I watched her in the sky and suddenly faces began to flash before my eyes. I knew all four faces but could only name three. ***Flash, a face*** and I would say “Chieftan”. ***Flash, a face*** and I would say “Mantou”. ***Flash, a face*** and I would say “Sari”. ***Flash, a face*** I knew the face, knew I should know the name but it wouldn’t come to me. The faces would repeat and each time I would get more and more frustrated that I couldn’t name the four face. (outside of the vision quest in the real world – my father called home – my mother told him we were listening to the cd and he said he would call later.) The second my mother answered the call I had the name. It was Isaro, my father’s spirit guide. As his face flashed in front of me I called his name just like I had with others. “Isaro” and with the sound of his name leaving my lips I was sent spiralling through some kind of vortex.

The only way I know how to describe it was like on movies when people are time travelling and the eveything is moving so fast, colors stream by and you are tossed about through the tunnel of light free falling toward something. I heard as of from a very great distance the cd clicking off. I heard my Mother getting up ad moving about and I knew that I had to get back to my body. I had to return. I became aware of my body and a new experience began. I felt my spirit self trying to fit back in to my physical self. I was aware that I couldn’t move any part of my body. It felt like I was pushing through mud and each inch of pogress I made I felt a little more of my body. It seemed to take forever to get past my eyes but as I did I tried to open my eyes and struggled. They felt as if they were weighted closed. I became aware that I had been crying. As I sank into myself I could feel the tears on m cheeks. I could begin to move my fingers, then my hands. On and on the progression back into myself went and the more I returned the more control I had over my body. My entire body felt like…well tingly, almost painfully so like when your foot goes to sleep and you ‘wake’ it up. It took almost fifteen minutes to come back fully.

My mother told the story of how they came across the cd, who the Chieftan was, the experience they had withthe cd up to that point and how certain Dad was that it was important for me to listen to. I listened, I absorbed and then I asked for paper and her Native American Medicine cards. I looked up the things that seemed important to me. This is what I know and have interpreted of the vision, so far:

• The Hawk is the messenger of God, when hey appear to someone they are there to tell you that a message is coming and that it is important. Pay attention the message is from God.
• The Mountain Lion represents leadership. What I got out of the message in the mountain lion card is to lead yourself where your heart takes you.
• The Turtle(Man) represnts Mother Earth and being grounded. It also represents knowing how to use protection.
• I, we, are part of ALL and I had to be put in a position where my personal filters were removed to really see life as it is.
• There were 365 steps – one for each day of the year.
• The Pyramid of the Sun was once the center of a religious center and a highly powerful place. You have to walk the Avenue of the Dead to climb it.
• I believe the river to be the river of life and from past exeriences I know that I don’t see myself often out of fear for who I truly am.
• The Black Panther is highly revered. It represents the darkness and facing your fears. The black panther represents seeking and finding answers, accepting healing and accessing the hidden light of truth.
• The Chieftan was a shaman my spirit guide and guardian angel were working with to free me – from what I don’t know yet.
• The Chieftan cleared some blockage out of my third eye..opened some kind of ability to see.
• I already know the legend of the Phoenix – it is several cultures and has intrigued me for years.
• Isaro, my fathers spirit guide has something to teach me – I know and I get pieces of it as I go along. We are connected somehow.

Do I understand it all…do I think about it daily..yes. Do I know where to go from here..no. Has this changed my life..definately in ways I don’t even understand yet.